open sadness

Last night, I had some Coca-Cola Classic out of a can for the first time in a while, and, for some reason, I was blown away by how terrible it tasted, and also by how awful it immediately made me feel.

I don’t know what science has to say about this, but all of the experiments I conducted last night with this swill have forced me to conclude that there is no amount of vodka nor whisky able to convert Coca-Cola Classic into a tolerable substance.

Although, perhaps if I wore the same pair of contact lenses for 8 months without removing or cleaning them at all, causing me to develop a deep brain infection, which in turn lead to a mild case of bell’s palsy, paralyzing half of my taste buds, then perhaps I could learn love drinking a case of this stuff every week.

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The Arctic Sun Sets . . . Forever

Does anyone remember Faygo’s awesome flavor Arctic Sun ? It was a thing for a second in like the early 1990s, or whenever Grosse Pointe Blank came out, because watching that movie is the only way anyone will ever again see a cool blue bottle of this magic soda (a google image search will yield some pretty cool Faygo billboards and at least one picture of a juggalo).

I used to love this drink when I was a kid, and I can barely live with the pain I feel every time I watch this mediocre John Cusack film and am reminded that I can’t get it anymore. So obviously I wrote to Faygo some time ago, seeking closure.

Here is a transcript of my communication with the sodamaesters:

Subject: Faygo Website Email

Date: November 18, 2008 6:27:56 PM EST

To: faygoweb@nationalbeverage.com

I recently recalled that Faygo used to manufacture a soda called “Arctic Sun.” I can’t recall the favor, exactly, but I remember that it was packaged in a unique blue bottle.

Is it possible to find an ingredient list for Arctic Sun? What was the flavor described as, and why was it discontinued? I would be grateful for any information available.

Thank you,

Daniel

Subject: RE: Faygo Website Email

Date: November 25, 2008 9:33:01 AM EST

Arctic Sun was a citrus drink, with grapefruit as the main flavor, but other “secret” flavors too.

We had to discontinue it due to slow sales.  The retailers just won’t allow us to keep slow movers on their shelves.  It was one of my favorites, too.

Thanks for writing.  We appreciate you taking the time.

Wait, wUt? Barely even a response! And thanks for not bothering to supply any kind of name or sign-off AT ALL. Real mature. Also, SECRET INGREDIENTS? I’m so sure, Faygo.

Anyway, the joke’s on the the soda slangers, because soda bloggers all up and down the information super highway have already reverse-engineered this one. Their findings? Arctic Sun is nothing more than a wine cooler without the wine. What a disappointment.

I guess the next time someone tries to convince me that High Fidelity or 2012 is a good movie, I’ll just pour a bottle of St. Julian’s sparkling grape juice into an empty Bawls bottle and try pretend I’m in simpler times.

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