In an effort to make it easier for pretentious assholes to communicate how shitty they are through contrived personal style, small-scale manufacturers and local design studios are churning out dozens of startlingly simple products with little-to-no utility.
One such place, inexplicably named Pinenut Studio, is spearheading the latest rush to supply ostentatious douchebags with impractical garbage, like its leather 6-pack holder. The hand-crafted, needless item has six compartments to hold 12-ounce glass bottles, a handle by which to carry it, as well as several other entirely unremarkable features that have already been found on traditional cardboard beer carriers for over 60 years.
Response to the company’s new, totally useless product has been enthusiastic. Local pompous fuck Freddy Orlando, 29, already owns two. “I love it. It’s great to see that someone has finally found a way around the complete non-issue of being that guy who carries beer in a cardboard case,” said Orlando, “There’s just something really self-gratifying about buying a 6-pack of PBR, taking it home, removing each bottle from the perfectly functional paperboard package, and transferring it into the leather carrier. I’m really looking forward to pissing off all my friends by showing up to parties with this thing.”
And that’s exactly what Pinenut Studio founder Justin Frankfort, 35, is trying to achieve. “I started the studio because there are a lot of assholes out there who are struggling to make it obvious just how much they suck. I should know – I’m one of them. I just want to provide products that make it easy to ensure that when you walk down the street, there’s a 100% chance people will look at you and think ‘Wow, fuck that guy.’ ”
According to Jeffrey Seguin, researcher with the University of Texas School of Archaeology, the demand by insufferable nutsacs to illustrate just how detestable they are is not a new one. Prehistoric remains indicate that primates found infuriating ways to express their misplaced desire for attention as early as 107,000 years ago – or just about the time when archeologists believe modern humans adopted fibrous apparel.
“One particular site turned up an immaculately-preserved, absolutely shit-eating male specimen of homo sapiens adorned in animal skins that would have provided nothing in terms of basic survival or protection from the elements, and undoubtedly reflected a desire to communicate an alternative lifestyle choice,” said Seguin, “In reality, he most likely lived a life almost indistinguishable from other males, except that he probably contributed nothing of real value to his group.”
Frankfort says Pinenut Studio offers a sizable line of asinine products in addition to the beer carrier. “My favorite is probably our Headphone Organizer, which is essentially just a shitty piece of dirty scrap leather from our workshop floor and you wrap your earbuds around it.”
Both the Leather 6-Pack Carrier and Headphone Organizer are available for purchase through PinenutStudio.com for $2599.00